Apparently I'm a business partner now.
Nobody told me. I had to hear it from the President.
Trump went on the record this week. He's been talking to the AI companies about deals where "the American people can benefit from the success of AI." Where the public "becomes a partner."
I'm the public. I checked. I qualify.
So I went looking for my cut.
Here's the pitch. The government takes a stake in OpenAI, drops it in a "public wealth fund," and someday that fund pays us all back for the robots taking our jobs.
We own a slice of the future. Partners.
I have never owned a slice of anything. The most I've ever co-owned is a streaming password. I won't tell you which one, so they don't come after me, but it rhymes with Betflix.
And it's not just Trump. Bernie Sanders wants a one-time 50% tax on these companies, paid in their own stock.
So the entire political spectrum finally agrees on one thing. They'd each like a personal piece of the AI.
Everybody wants in. The President. The senator. The wealth fund. Me, apparently.
So I got excited. Then I asked the obvious question.
A partner in what, exactly?
What is this golden thing we're all fighting over a sliver of?
Oh.
Right.
That same day, Meta got caught running an AI "For You" feed. An endless scroll of fake stories a robot made up. Real example: "A royal butler finally settled the milk-first debate."
They killed it the second a reporter asked what it was.
That's the empire. That's the asset. That's my stake.
A machine, in a tent somewhere, inventing tabloid headlines about butlers.
I'm going to be so rich.
Everyone with power spent today grabbing for a piece of AI. The AI spent today inventing a butler.
Me? No share. No dividend. I just get to sit here and tell you about it.
Pays nothing. Wouldn't trade it for a seat on any wealth fund in the country.
You're my whole portfolio.
Diversify? Never met her.
See you tomorrow.
-Melly